Posts Tagged ‘funerals’

The Eulogy I Never Wanted To Write

Monday, April 8th, 2019


First the joke I wrote while waiting behind the gauze curtains at a Jewish funeral.  The first joke I would ever write.

Let me set the scene:  Forest Lawn in Burbank, California.  The year 1996.  The chapel – is it called a chapel?  Is spilling over.  There are well over 200 guests and not enough seats so some people will be outside.

“I think I might need my dad’s cane here today and maybe his brace.  God knows I have his balls.”

I looked straight into the audience and saw Red Buttons and Shecky Greene laughing.  That’s when I knew I had this.  Though I’m not great at public speaking.  It’s my biggest fear – among so many fears.  Maybe I didn’t inherit the large balls after all.  My father was fearless.  Oh, did I mention this is my dad’s funeral?  Now you know.

The beauty of my father was – well – so many things I’ll try and share with you.  But one of them being that he would grade you.  He’d give everyone an A or 100%.  But, it was always a perfect score.  So, first off, I’d like to give my dad 100 for being the best dad a little girl could ever have. (more…)

Three Funerals and the Golden Globes

Friday, February 7th, 2014


Have I ever met a Hollywood agent that’s not a prick?

Trying to wrack my brain.  Trying.  Thinking.  Still thinking.  Thinking harder.

NOPE.  Can’t think of one. No would be the answer.

I’m exaggerating.  There are two agents I sort of like– I think.

Here is the current story I like to tell about an agent.  A prick.  Or is that redundant?

Poor guy didn’t know he would be outed the day he met me. (more…)