Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Three Funerals and the Golden Globes

Friday, February 7th, 2014

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Have I ever met a Hollywood agent that’s not a prick?

Trying to wrack my brain.  Trying.  Thinking.  Still thinking.  Thinking harder.

NOPE.  Can’t think of one. No would be the answer.

I’m exaggerating.  There are two agents I sort of like– I think.

Here is the current story I like to tell about an agent.  A prick.  Or is that redundant?

Poor guy didn’t know he would be outed the day he met me. (more…)

Painting the Town Red

Friday, January 31st, 2014

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I’m obsessed.  There’s no way of getting around it.  I’m a walking Jackie Mason routine.  At lunch, no before lunch, I’m deciding where we will go for dinner.  At dinner, I’m wondering if the dessert menu will speak to me or will I just head home to my private stash.  I always have a private stash of freshly baked goods.  I’m more of a junkie when it comes to food.

I’m going to focus on just visiting New York here because Los Angeles, where I live, is different, and a few nights a week I try to cook.   I’m not a very good cook and I’m so lazy that sometimes I pick up one sweet potato, not two, and a salad from the salad bar and call it dinner.  My husband will remind me we can afford two sweet potatoes, but I shop at Gelson’s, so maybe we really can’t afford two. (more…)

Word

Saturday, January 11th, 2014

augie and homeies, cody, tory, nicole

 

When my daughter was in her tween years, around 8th grade, she had friends over a lot.  Some who just sort of lived with us.  I was pretty used to it.  No one really behaved too badly, but on one particular day Augie was acting up.  She had an attitude.

Usually, Augie was the mellowest of my children — and as a middle child, she knew how to make peace and keep everyone around her happy.   This time, however, she was talking back to me, and finally I lost my patience.  In utter frustration I exploded.  And here is what I yelled at my 13-year old daughter:  “You…..you….you……..TWAT!!!” (more…)

Oh Christmas Tree

Monday, December 23rd, 2013

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No wonder I rarely got a tree.  It’s just too much work.  Going out to buy it.  Schlepping it home.  Carting it inside.  Pine needles everywhere.  Finding the box with the decorations in storage.  Untangling the lights.  Discovering that only some are still working.   I’m not that together.   I have zero organizational skills.  Hey, if magical elves appeared in my home to set up the tree, and I didn’t have to go to the lot or do anything, I would reconsider.

And then, of course, there is the religion factor.  To get a tree or not to get a tree. Since half of me is Jewish and the other half vague, it’s easier to just call myself a Jew.  A tree never seemed to bother other Jewish families when I was growing up in Beverly Hills.  This time of year, everyone became his or her own Hollywood set decorator.  Each family outdid the next.  Talk about keeping up with the Joneses –only in this case the Jimmy Stewarts. (more…)

Order in the Court

Friday, December 6th, 2013

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I just spent two long days with people that I will never see again.  They know me as juror #2474.

Lets go back to the beginning.  I ignored my summons.  I’ve never done this but all my friends are doing it.  So?  I don’t know one person who has done jury duty and they all keep telling me they throw the summons away.  I didn’t have the nerve (thank God, I’ll explain).  Then some weeks went by and a postcard from “them” arrived with a threat.  Apparently, I ignored my first summons (wt?) and in doing so, they can fine me $1500.  Fuck them. But now I’m scared so I follow the instructions on the postcard.  I register online and now I’m in the system and it just fucked everything up.  I have the week scheduled but at the time it seemed far away.  Suddenly at Thanksgiving weekend, I remembered and excused myself from a party to go home and watch the orientation video.  It’ s a series of several 10-minute videos, taking up an hour of your time with a questionnaire at the end of each boring video.  A prompt said to make sure we had the juror badge.  I hadn’t seen a juror badge so I searched for that original summons and opened it.  Sure enough, it was there so I was never going to be able to lie and tell them I didn’t get that first summons. (more…)

The Perks of Turning 60 (Title=Deceiving)

Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Fucking birthday girl photo

First of all, I thought, no, assumed, I was popular, and all kinds of people were going to be asking to take me out to celebrate.  I didn’t throw myself a party which I often do, so then I was thinking that some of my party regulars will get that I’m wanting to celebrate with every one of them individually, or in small groups.  I’m not popular, I’m delusional.

It started kinda great.  Two days before my birthday Robin and Libbie took me for a celebratory dinner at the Palm.  Then on my birthday, I woke up to an email from Huffington Post saying the piece I wrote had been posted that day.  Which I thought was a great sign because the story I wrote is all about my fear of dying at a young age like my mother.  Then a small group of girlfriends met me for lunch on the patio of the Malibu Hotel where I was spending the weekend.   We ate, laughed, and I received some lovely gifts and amazing sentimental notes that I will always cherish.  Libbie is re-gifting cards to me from our long friendship.  So, there was this loving thing I wrote to her in the 1970’s about how beautiful she is and how much I love her, and on the other side she wrote an update to me.  Kimberly wrote a card with words that made me cry (Libbie’s card made me cry too).  It was going smoothly.

Spread of cholesterol at Palm with Libbie and Robin

Spread of cholesterol at Palm with Libbie and Robin

(more…)

Fangirls

Thursday, November 7th, 2013

me, tracy

One of the great qualities that I love about my friend Tracy is her spontaneity.  Her ability to say yes, especially at really wacky requests.  Like a few weeks ago.  I woke up and my husband asked me what I wanted to do,  and when I told him, he looked at me cockeyed so I let the whole idea go. Hours went by.  And, I had just about dropped it when Tracy called and I told her what it was I was thinking could be fun.  “Let’s do it,” she responded.  I didn’t even think I had verbalized what the plan was.  Before you know it, just twenty minutes later, we met at a convenient spot between our two homes.  I hopped in her car and we headed to visit our friends, the Billys at the autograph show.

It’s crazy going to these events unless you are the person signing the autograph.  But I know that sometimes the celebrities want their real friends to visit.   And anyway, I’m a bit of a freak and when someone on Facebook has as an outgoing status like, “Everyone come see me at the celebrity autograph show, ” I think they are talking to me.  I’m not really delusional but they wrote this and I feel like it would be so nice if I did actually show up. (more…)

The Bad, Good & Divine in NYC

Monday, October 28th, 2013

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Two different people recommended a seafood shack in the West Village in New York.  Two people – it’s a sign.  We must try it, I said to my oldest-newest-best-friend.  We waited in the predicted long line—something I hate and generally do not engage in.  We chatted with out-of-towners and I offered up my favorite food destination, Morandi.  Then we were told to grab two seats at the counter.  I pointed to my left,  a quick celebrity sighting, an offbeat one.  Louise Lasser.  A former Mrs. Woody Allen.  Libbie kept telling me she could NOT be Louise Lasser since she was far too young.  We argued back and forth as I stood my ground.  Turns out she was talking about the waitress and I was talking about Louise Lasser, eating a dainty kale salad.  That’s not what I would order, I thought.

We went for it, ordering too much — partly due to hunger.  A few appetizers that sounded southern and perfect.  Fried Green Tomatoes, which, honestly, I can never resist.  Libbie loves deviled eggs, so an order of those, and a shrimp, crab and avocado cocktail.  And of course a lobster roll, at “market price,” which means expensive, $32.00.  I had no problem with that, as it might have made it worth the subway trip downtown.  Turns out, the deviled eggs were made with sour cream, not mayonnaise.  So, after one bite, I put mine down and knew never to order those again.  Then, the Fried Green Tomatoes, not great at all.  Followed by the lobster sandwich, which was fine but certainly not the best I’d ever had.  What a waste, I thought, of ingesting fattening food.  What a waste of money.  This was off my list, not that it had yet made it on. (more…)

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Friday, October 11th, 2013

me naked again-1

Sorry, Channeling the Food Critic in Me will be on a short hiatus.  I’m celebrating a big birthday.  In honor of my big day, enjoy the video below.  When I landed the national Dial Soap commercial, a day before shooting I got a call from the producer.  I was informed I would only be able to wear bathing suit bottoms.  No top at all.  Topless!  I was then assured this would be a closed set.  Only the director, producer, cameraman and a a few people from the ad agency.  They said I could choose to wear band-aids over my nipples which I was never going to do.  I showed up on the set to quite possibly the most amount of people on a sound stage I had ever seen.  More than a handful of men from the ad agency and at least fifty to sixty other people, mostly men.  I’m not shy, I was fine only wearing the bathing suit bottom.  But, then the water pressure was so intense it made my teeny tiny bathing suit bottom fill up and fall off of me.  I was suddenly filming in front of an audience in my “birthday suit.”  And, no this wasn’t a dream.  A few days later the director called me at home asking me out on a date–to which I declined.

I will be eating at Nobu in Malibu.  I can already tell you the food is great!!

Mexicophile

Saturday, September 21st, 2013

mom, tits, modeling

My mother had a lifelong, deep obsession with everything Mexican.  I mean, obsessed.  Is there a word for it?   I looked it up just now and it’s Mexicophile.

We never knew where my mother’s fixation stemmed from.  Perhaps, her Texas roots.   She was raised on a small farm in Sweetwater.    Or, could it have been the Spanish house she was so proud to own?   My mother would wax poetic about every detail of my childhood home.  The beamed ceilings.  She could stare for hours at their beauty.  The stained glass window.  The tiles in the foyer.  The black wrought-iron railing leading up the tiled staircase.  The big bay window.   Her pepper tree.  Even the French doors were, to her, so very Mexican.  Trust me, this woman was so proud of her two story, 3,500-square foot Spanish house you might have assumed she was the architect.

She was WAY ahead of her time in this Mexican love because these were the 1950’s and 60’s.  Mexican Americans were not as ubiquitous as today, where every other Californian seems to have a Latin background.  I just heard on NPR that in the 1700’s the first settlers in Los Angeles were Mexicans.   My mom would have been in Mexican heaven, had she stayed in L.A.  And, of course, had she not died so young.  Today, she’d be all over the immigration law changes. (more…)